Reflections, pt. 2: The College Experience

May 11th, 2019 was like a double-edged sword for me. It was the end of a five-year chapter, yet it was the beginning of a new chapter full of discoveries and self-establishment. In my five-year college experience, I dealt with my share of ups and downs, and I always felt that something was missing. I was in an internal war with myself, as I had to battle with feelings of anxiety and depression (and I was properly diagnosed with anxiety back in August 2018, as I was too afraid to come forward and share my issues back in early college). I also had to deal with feeling like the "black sheep" of the family, in which I was not particularly close with anyone (and this still rings true). I have always been seen as "weird", unconventional, wayward, and it had gotten to a point where I despised myself so much to the point that I suppressed my true authentic self in order to please those around me. 

When I entered into Meredith College back in August 2017, I had an Associate of Arts Degree and a High school Diploma under my belt at the age of 18. However, I felt angry, mad, and bitter as hell. To be honest, I did not fully understand the root of those negative emotions. Or maybe I did, and I just did not want to admit it to myself. I remember my very first semester being a dread. There were times that I was glued to the bed and did not want to get up. I wanted to cry for no apparent reason and I was always feeling like I was walking on eggshells. And yes, I had the dreadful anxiety attacks, sometimes more than once a day. I tried to numb my pain to the best of my ability, which included trying to date. I did date, one guy, I met on Plenty of Fish (and yes, he looked exactly like the guy in his pictures, haha) but he too was looking to numb his own pain and he had his own issues, so that relationship did not last long. Eventually, I had enough and I started to frequently visit the counseling center. BEST DECISION I EVER MADE IN MY LIFE. Around this time, I also experienced my Spiritual Awakening; and it did not happen through meditation, It happened because I grew tired of my suffering, my internal warfare, the conditioning of society, etc. 

During my time at the counseling center, I was counseled by three strong women: Sharifa Andersen (she left at the end of my first year), Beth Meier, and Marjorie Hattori. All three have played huge roles in helping me get to know myself as a person and helping me dig deeper into my issues. They also gave me worksheets (which I still keep handy) on coping techniques to better navigate through my issues. Like any other aspect of life, counseling brought about some difficulties. During my counseling sessions, I noticed that I would get very irritated when I was being questioned. At one point, I thought, "Are they helping me or are they trying to challenge me?" My irritability had gotten bad to the point that I would just cry and say "I am not sure what you are talking about." It was as if I knew what they were trying to say, but being able to interpret it was blocked. Another difficulty I went through during my counseling sessions was actually listening to myself talk. I began to notice how little I thought of myself, and how I did not listen to my inner self as often as I thought I did. Prior to counseling (and my awakening), my emotional trauma and pain were masked by my so-called "liberation". I did a hell of a job convincing myself that all was good within me when I knew damn well that it was the other way around. 

In spite of these difficulties, I rose to the challenge of being more attuned with my soul and my inner being. I owed it to myself to get to know my inner being and go into the depths of my soul. Obviously, I found some things that I did not like, such suppression, emotional trauma, anxiety, anger, etc. However, this is a crucial part of the journey! You have to damn near isolate yourself (try not to over-shelter yourself, though) in order to dig down deeper into yourself. You have to be brutally honest with yourself and do a thorough self-analysis so you can gain a better understanding of yourself. I am not saying this - or using my personal experiences - to steer you away from your self-discovery, but it is important to know that you must acknowledge your negative sides equally with your positives. Now back to my college experience...

Moving away from my counseling center experience, I must acknowledge my small group of friends who have been very encouraging, inspiring, loving, and understanding throughout my two years at Meredith College (they will be pictured below this paragraph). I have been blessed and fortunate enough to have been surrounded by strong, goal-oriented, hilarious, and positive people who helped me open up and be myself. I don't think they realize how much they have helped me, both mentally and spiritually. First, there's Julia Brent, whom I've had many deep spiritual conversations with and she is just a peaceful soul to be around. Then there's Yajaira Adilene Ramos-Ramirez, whose bubbly personality always brightens up my day and she is as insightful as she is quirky. Lastly, there is Ashley Graham, a strong-willed young woman who is never afraid to fight for what she believes in. It is always wonderful to have another strong Black Sister at your side. They have been there for me in ways that they may never realize. Despite the busy days we had, we always managed to come together and pick up where we left off. They say God puts people in our lives as they serve to help you along in your path, and I am blessed that these young women came into my life. all I can say is "Thank you" for your love and support and to thank God for putting these beautiful ladies in my already unique path. I just know we will always be involved in each other's lives. 

L-R: Julia Brent, Yajaira Adilene Ramos-Ramirez, and Ashley Graham

Fast forward to May 11th, 2019, the day of graduation. The excitement and anxiety of walking across the stage did not automatically set in, as I carried on with my day as I normally do. I guess the major exceptions were that we were staying at a 3.5-star hotel and that I went out to eat at one of my lesser favorite restaurants, Olive Garden (whoops). However, as the clock reached 7:00pm (the graduation was at 8:00 at NIGHT, dammit), my excitement and anxiety began to rise as knew that in less than two hours, I was going to be a two-time college graduate. The ceremony went by so fast, it was like a whirlwind! As my name was called, "Kianna Alexus Forbes" only two things were on my mind: 1) "Yes! I did it!" and 2) "I hope I do not fall and bust my ass!" Haha, thankfully I made it across the stage without any issues and with a huge smile on my face! That whole night, I was overcome with emotions, and to be honest, it took a few days to realize that I had graduated, haha. That is probably what took me so long to type this blog post! As I said earlier, May 11th, 2019 was like a double-edged sword for me. It marked the end of a five-year chapter, yet it marked the beginning of self-discovery and establishment. I am so proud of myself! I AM SO PROUD. I am proud to say that I graduated from Meredith College with a B.A. in International Studies in just two years. On the same day back in 2017, I graduated from Martin Community College with an Associates of Arts Degree. It is mind-boggling to believe that I have two college degrees at the age of 20. I am very fortunate to have achieved these milestones. I am fortunate to have conquered - and continue to conquer - my struggles with anxiety. I am a fighter, and my dreams are much too large to let my past traumas hold me back. 

Well, this post was a mouthful, but I had to get it all out somehow, right? I dedicate this blog post to my late grandmother, Brenda Carol Forbes, who passed away from cancer six months ago on this day. I know she is smiling down on me every single day, and I know that she would be happy that I typed up this blog post as well. Until next time, folks!

End of Blog Song, for today, is "You Rock My World" by my love, Michael Jackson!