Ch. 3 Reflect: the spiritual. the physical. the reaffirming. the wake-up calls.

In my opinion, the month of October is a time of changing tides and shifts being made. October is also often one of the busiest months of the year, especially in the nonprofit sector. With the business of the work environment, along with the changing tides of my personal life, this month has given me a reaffirmation - or dare I say a wake-up call - to have more compassion for myself, especially when I am in a place of anxiety. Even though this month has been reaffirming for me in both my professional and personal lives (which are SEPARATE, by the way), I have had some internal difficulties with integrating my spiritual existence with my physical one. It makes me begin to wonder, “Is it possible to integrate my physical and spiritual beings into one whole Being?” In all honesty, I have been thinking more about this than reality, which has caused an “inner tug of war” of emotions.

In regards to my placement at the Pauli Murray Center, I am enjoying the opportunity to take initiative and take part in projects. However, I am at a crossroads when it comes to this whole “9-5” thing. Am I really meant to do a 9-5 job? Granted I have been in the workforce since I was 17, and I have always questioned this about my professional life. I really began questioning it when I took part in a Think Tank in the first week of October. I was surrounded by people of various professional backgrounds ranging from historians to professors to lawyers. One thing I noticed about them is that they continued to cultivate their hobbies, sometimes integrating into their work. One of the participants, whose name is Scott (cannot think of his last name, at the moment) is a lawyer, yet he has extensive experience in the arts, such as theater and ballet. I thought to myself, “Wow, maybe my professional life can be more multifaceted than I originally thought!” As of now, I still see myself doing multiple careers throughout my professional life, which probably means that nonprofit may or may not be one of those careers.

As I have mentioned numerous times before, my spiritual journey is the most important thing in my life. I pointed out earlier that I have had some internal difficulties with integrating my spiritual existence with my physical one. I have always wondered if it is possible to integrate the spiritual and the physical Beings. Sometimes, I think about this to the point where I tend to lose touch with reality. Same thing with a spiritual practice! I have a fascination with the moon and an undying love for nature, along with my lifelong relationship with God. Lately, I have been thinking and writing down ways to integrate my beliefs into my own consistent spiritual practice. This spiritual journey has also led me to some obstacles - namely the anxiety disorder. Just a few days ago, I left work early due to not feeling too well. I had woken up that morning feeling severely nauseous along with a migraine. I had to meet with Barbara and Frachele (my supervisors) about the job evaluation, and my body was just spiraling. It was its way of “shutting down” so to speak. Thankfully, I was somewhat able to keep my composure during the meeting. To make a long story short, I had a scary panic attack to the point where I had to spend the entire afternoon at a crisis center in town. 

To cap things off, I am giving, showing, and learning compassion in the sense that I must continue to give myself my undivided attention. Whether it be doing a spiritual practice or seeking therapy for my ongoing anxiety issues, I have to hold myself accountable for my actions, yet be gentle with myself while I am at it. I do not wish to place my housemates, co-workers, friends, family or my Corps Members in harm's way due to my issues. I feel that it is my duty to be compassionate to myself and those around me. Compassion brings about connectedness, and both combined are just two of the vital components of the human and spiritual experience.

That's all for now, folks. Until next time. Let's continue to prosper, to love ourselves, and to love each other. End of Blog Song, "What's Going On" by Marvin Gaye, one of my all time favorites!