The Shifting of My Reality
It's hard to believe that it has been over two years since I have posted on this blog. In a way, I have mysef blame, simply due to the fact I have not been using this blog as a creative outlet as I originally intended. Also, college life has a way of BECOMING your existence to the point where it is all you think about. On a personal note, the past two years have been full of triumphs and failures, building new reationships and ending some. Though I still have a hard admitting this, I have been going through anixety and depression for almost all 19 years of my life. To make matters worst, I did not even know what those two words meant until I got into college. I SERIOUSLY DID NOT. Coming from an Black family means coming from a family does not fully accept mental health awareness; and believe me, that shit eats you up inside. And you know what else made it worse? I began to realize that I thought too little of myself. Like, I couldn't even believe it when someone told me that I was pretty or beautiful. Why? Because I did not tell myself that I was beautiful. Also, my diet of constantly eating Airhead Bites and drinking Arizona reflected what I truly thought about my body at the time. I did not care about my health! And to top it off, I had the terrible habit of repressing my feelings and not opening up, which can be the most painful thing to endure. I constantly lied to myself to get my family's approval, and I always put everyone else's opinion and feelings before my own. However, I did not get these feelings of repression from out of the clouds, I have been raised to not think too much of myself or "I'll get a big head" or "I'll start feeling myself". Simply put: UNDOING TOXIC TEACHINGS IS A EMOTIONALLY PAINFUL EXERIENCE. Society uts this sacred halo arund families, but essentially we are all humans with our own sets of strengths, weaknesses, and flaws and just because I am not a "mature and responsible" adult, does not mean that I am not entitled to express my thoughts, my feelings, my opinions, and my emotions. Even today, a part of me wants to break away from it all. Things are not happening fast enough. However, I must have faith and the strength to carry on, which now brings me to my Shift in Reality:
For as long as I can remember, I never felt like a normal child. I have always felt old, weary, and as if I have lived here before. Numerous people have called me an old soul because of this, and I firmly believe that. However, I am no better than anyone else, nor do I claim to be. So when people, especially my family, call me selfish, too sensitive, mean, evil, arrogant, and a "looney tune", it hurts. It hurts me to the core. Yes, I can be detached a lot, but that is just the way I am. I need to be alone. I need that time to recharge and replenish my soul. Yes, I only have a handful of close friends whom I hold dear to me. Those are just my preferences. And you know what? I have grown to embrace my being. I have grown to accept the things that I cannot change. I have grow to accept that my family, friends, or anyone will not ever truly understand me. What truly matters that I develop a deep understanding of myself. An understanding of the dualities of Kianna! That is what truly matters! I am seeing things differently now. I am reaizing that no matter who you come across, people live the same of duality as I do. We all have a good and bad sides, our understanding and problematic sides, our strengths and weaknesses, and other positive and negative aspects of us that make the human exeperience both Divine and Messy. I have come to realize that if I continue to judge people based n their mistakes, then it will set me up for a lonely life. I may enjoy being alone, but lonliness is a whole different ball game that I do not want to play. I also realize that there is something to be learned every day of our lives; and I believe that those who see formal education as the only way of learning are not truly educating themselves. I am embracing my intuitive gifts, my introversion, my empathic gifts, my wildness, and my weirdness in order to show myself (and others) that I am not some "alien", I am just another human being who has something different to bring to the table. My purpose of living is different now. My purpose is to use my knowledge and wisdom and pass it down to whomever is willing to listen. I wish to make a positive impact on the world, but not in a large scale. Even the smallest acts of kindest, empathy, and compassion are enough to make an impact. My reality is shifting every day now, and whenever I get anxious or depressed, I do not see it as a setback, I see as a way of fully understanding my emotions, going deep into my soul, and most importantly: I'm healing. I do not know how else to describe it, but I am more at peace and understanding than ever. There is still room for improvement, but I am damn proud of how far I have came over the past two years!
For as long as I can remember, I never felt like a normal child. I have always felt old, weary, and as if I have lived here before. Numerous people have called me an old soul because of this, and I firmly believe that. However, I am no better than anyone else, nor do I claim to be. So when people, especially my family, call me selfish, too sensitive, mean, evil, arrogant, and a "looney tune", it hurts. It hurts me to the core. Yes, I can be detached a lot, but that is just the way I am. I need to be alone. I need that time to recharge and replenish my soul. Yes, I only have a handful of close friends whom I hold dear to me. Those are just my preferences. And you know what? I have grown to embrace my being. I have grown to accept the things that I cannot change. I have grow to accept that my family, friends, or anyone will not ever truly understand me. What truly matters that I develop a deep understanding of myself. An understanding of the dualities of Kianna! That is what truly matters! I am seeing things differently now. I am reaizing that no matter who you come across, people live the same of duality as I do. We all have a good and bad sides, our understanding and problematic sides, our strengths and weaknesses, and other positive and negative aspects of us that make the human exeperience both Divine and Messy. I have come to realize that if I continue to judge people based n their mistakes, then it will set me up for a lonely life. I may enjoy being alone, but lonliness is a whole different ball game that I do not want to play. I also realize that there is something to be learned every day of our lives; and I believe that those who see formal education as the only way of learning are not truly educating themselves. I am embracing my intuitive gifts, my introversion, my empathic gifts, my wildness, and my weirdness in order to show myself (and others) that I am not some "alien", I am just another human being who has something different to bring to the table. My purpose of living is different now. My purpose is to use my knowledge and wisdom and pass it down to whomever is willing to listen. I wish to make a positive impact on the world, but not in a large scale. Even the smallest acts of kindest, empathy, and compassion are enough to make an impact. My reality is shifting every day now, and whenever I get anxious or depressed, I do not see it as a setback, I see as a way of fully understanding my emotions, going deep into my soul, and most importantly: I'm healing. I do not know how else to describe it, but I am more at peace and understanding than ever. There is still room for improvement, but I am damn proud of how far I have came over the past two years!
Comments
Post a Comment