+paradox+

Disclaimer: This thought piece is my way of venting and getting my depressing thoughts out. I do not want to hear or read comments saying, "Oh, that's adulthood", "That's life", "Deal with it", so on and so forth. If you are, then just don't read it.

+PARADOX+

Being grateful for what I do have, but being angry for what I am lacking.

Knowing my dreams and goals, putting them aside to do things I do not want to do.

Being 21 years old and starting out struggle, but being uncertain of how to be open about my struggles.

Feeling like I care too much, but not wanting to care too little.

Hating myself for having a big heart and thinking deeply, but receiving love from those around me for being this way.

Beating myself up for making mistakes, but accepting that it is a part of life.

Coming out of my childhood with mental scars due to bullying, repressing my emotions just to be "seen and not heard", and dealing with a lack of affection.

Growing up being told to not think too much of myself or I'll get "a big head", when really, all I ever wanted was to feel beautiful and be happy in my own skin.

Growing up being told that I am not allowed to have my say unless I contribute financially to the family.

Lying to myself about how "healed" I am in order to put band-aids on my mental scars, only to explode afterwards.

Having a sense of hope that I can get through life's hurdles, but a small critical voice comes and ruins my fucking vibe.

Being deep into my spirituality and learning to go within for my healing, but learning to balance it out with the realities I face. 

My soul is yearning to "go home", but I don't know where the hell home is. 

IT'S A FUCKING PARADOX

That's the only way I can describe it.

This paradox brings about spirals so deep that it is hard to come back to the surface.

It makes me question "Why am I here?" and it makes me envy those who I perceive to not go through these bouts of self-interrogation.

I am disillusioned with these spiritual movements, as they have become too "feel good" for me. 

That's the thing, though. I WANT to feel good.

But the time has come for a deep evaluation, and that does not always feel good.

You find out things about yourself that you wish you could have kept buried. 

I go deep, anyways, because at this point, I feel as if I do not have a choice.

I have been dealing with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember, and at the age of 21, I am fed up.

Both have caused me to do and say things that I am not proud of.

If someone were to ask me on a scale of 1-10 how much I want to keep living, I'd say 5/10 = 50%.

I am in the midst of an internal war with myself. I no longer care about how others see me, because I am too busy fighting with myself. 

PARADOX.